Today…

I guess for this to make sense I should start from the beginning. I woke up one day and found myself at work in the process of mid- day, then it happened…. She sent me a message. “Can we talk?” As I said “what about?” I felt my stomach curl because I had a fear of what came next. We had been together for 5 years prior to this day and today we were no longer that. I no longer looked at her with the same eyes. My heart no longer beat her name. Today was different. Today we were people from the past meeting in the present about the future.

This day as I walked into the coffee shop I went straight to the cashier and ordered my drink and then soon realized that coffee was not the perfect drink for this moment. I remember her walking into the door and scanning for me. Today she didn’t recognized me as quickly as she used to. Today was different.

She sat across me and started to talk, before she could finish her sentence I asked her outright “are you pregnant?” and she answered with her slow verbal “yes.” I told her I couldn’t deal with it just yet. Today I walked away from the mother of my unborn child not knowing what to say.

I found myself on the phone saying “She’s pregnant love! What am I going to do?” I heard the voice on the other end of the line with a calm voice saying “breathe, relax, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. Get to me safe. “That was the voice I could hear in my head as I walked aimlessly in the city. I didn’t know where I was, the faces were blurs and the world stopped as I moved amongst them. Today is the day that I felt the bite of life despite everything I’ve been through.

I found myself in the middle of the highway heading south without a sight of a single car cause by the tears in my eyes. This could have played out as a scene from a movie/telenovela. The thoughts wouldn’t stop. Is this real? What will happen next? Is God fair for allowing this to be reality? What will my parents say? What will my life be like? Will I be a good father? Am I ready for this? Today is the day I questioned my ability to heal.

I’m not parked outside her house and couldn’t even lift myself from the driver’s seat. They just called me on my mobile to ask where I was and I said “I’m outside.” I had been there for 10mins already prior to them calling, just crying in my car. I was waiting for this dream to end and for me to wake up. Today this dream was reality.

I had hidden myself in another world shortly after that. I lived in a world of fear. Fear of what she would say if I had seen her, fear that her father was home from the states that he would come get me and feed me to the wolves, fear that I wouldn’t be able to handle not having money to support my child. Today was the day I realized my human fears and ran away.

Dressed in a costume and giving away candy. I saw a couple of kids that tore me up inside cause I knew that I was to have one someday very soon. Little did I know that today was the day. My ex was rushed to the hospital to have an emergency c-sec due to the cord being wrapped around my daughter’s neck. She came into the world and I wasn’t there to welcome her. That was my mistake. Today was the day I became an absentee father.

I went over to her house to sign the birth certificate. Little did I know what waited for me. I walked into the house that I was once comfortable entering and there she was my daughter Adriana. She was a stranger and yet I just felt compelled to do nothing but love her. She was so tiny, so fragile, So real. I held her in my arms and cried that she was perfect. Today was the day I met my daughter Adriana.

I found myself trying to get in touch with my ex to make a way for me to see Adriana. I had gone missing in shame that I had nothing to give for my daughter. It is mostly portrayed in society that the father is always the absentee, the one who messed up, the bad guy. I lay in bed thinking of her, how she would smell, how she would laugh, how she would look at me with her big round eyes, how it would be like to tickle her. I cry each time. Everyone knows the pain of a mother, God knows I’ve seen my mother in pain, but I don’t know how many know the pain of a father. I am a father in pain. Now that I have a job and earn enough to support her she is taken away from me. I know that at one point this was brought on by me. Today I let you read the struggle I have. Today I am human. Today I will dream of Adriana as I sleep.

entry for undiscussablerealms.blogspot essay writing contest