No questions left

I sit and ponder why life would be so cruel,
So cold and heartless...
The constant melodrama of a timeless moment.
The emotional rides that burn the heart and scar the soul.
a stable remedy for a life lost is a life found.
Find the essence that you lost along the way.

A memory of a signifacant past and a silent hatred
Causing one's image of forever to change....
No more white picket fence and elevated porch
No more Kitchen in blue or garden the blooms in the spring
No more patches of maroon on the bathroom tile
No more dreams that held it all together
No two children running amidst the house

Drawn from within the tears of a lesser being
one that knows no shame in flaws
one that cares to hold all that is dear close
within me is this lesser being
within me is half of whom I was
half of who I can be
torn from within my being

It all came down to this....

I clicked on the page and waited for it to load....
And there it was...
She was single and I was alone.
She hates me I heard the voices in my head scream
She hates me for not loving her as much as I could
for not doing the right thing
for not being there when it mattered.

Then I heard myself apologize to her in my head..
I'm sorry for not loving you as much as I could...
for not doing the right thing...
for not being there when it mattered..

I started to realize what I would never have again.
The sight of her smile when I wake up from my sleep
a loving hand to hold me through a tough time
a hug when all seems to fall on your shoulders
someone I considered to be MY family
I held it all inside being as I was in my place of work
But the tears were already there

Now I leave work just like I left the house where we lived in for years.
I left her with a broke heart and I took mine with me...
But mine may never beat the same..
all because I clicked on the page and waited for it to load...

Breathe- by Greenwheel original by Melissa Etheridge

Breathe- by Greenwheel original by Melissa Etheridge

I Played the fool today
And I Can see us vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again
But home Is a feeling I buried in you

I'm alright I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe

And I can't ask for things to be still again
No I can't ask for you
To offer the world through your eyes
Longing for home againBut homeIs a feeling I buried in you

I'm alright I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
I'm alright I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe

My window through which
Nothing hides
And everything sings
I'm counting the signs
And cursing the miles in between
But home Is a feeling I buried in you
That I buried in you

I'm alright I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
I'm alright I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
When I breathe
It only hurts when I breathe
When I breathe
It only hurts when I breathe

Why this is the perfect start

I struggle to revive my blog and it comes into perfect play that it be this that starts it off. A new page in my life. Another struggle. A struggle to live, to survive.
Though other perceive that "Men" don't cry or that we don't hurt. I want to prove you wrong.
We are alive in a world where pain is relevant to life.
Where we can pretend to be callous and almost never cry except when our favorite sports team would lose to the rivals.
Where men do not fear growing old alone and wish to be bachelors for life.
A world where all men rule their destiny.
Where no one goes hungry and no one has enemies.
A world where war is non-existent.
A world where nothing and no one hurts.

What it must be like to live in such a world.
How I wish I could be flown away to this place in my whim.
How I dream this could be so.
And yet it is not possible for I Fear of being alone.
I cry, hurt and only want to be callous to avoid it all.
I do not rule my destiny.
I hold no crystal ball that knows my future.
All that I am is a pathetic man wanting acceptance.
All I am is hurt.
All that I am good is the product of where I was and now all that I am is a shell of who I was.
I no longer know where to go or whom to believe.
All I know is that to survive this I must be strong, but this isn’t who I am right now.
I have no strength
I am just a shell.